Day 32 Back to nature...

Ok, missed a blog. When you’re stuck in the back of beyond in Scotland, one bar of mobile reception is heaven in a handset, let alone finding wireless.

SO following a completely natural progression, I’m going to move from AC Grayling to Cosmopolitan magazine. Now stuck in a B&B in sunny (??) South Shields, I stumbled upon a fine collection of Nuts, Zoo, and Reveal magazine - all obscuring the latest Cosmo. Flicking past such profound musings as ‘These Men Want You!’, 'Her Fist Slammed Into My Face' and 'Romance Takes More Than Just Flowers' I found an article about what makes Jennifer Lopez happy. Not wishing to sink to such inane levels (unhappiness is, for example, trying to lose baby weight), I was more (relatively speaking, obviously) interested in the ditty Q&As with Nick Clegg, David Cameron, and Gordon Brown.

You might be interested to know Dave Cam would be a farmer if not a politician. Cleggy likes Super Mario on the Wii and Golden Brown is a fan of 'most talent shows'. You might, like me be COMPLETELY BLOODY FED UP with politics and you just KNOW it's spin and blah blah BUT... one thing is consistent. When it comes to relaxing, they all answer along the lines of getting back to basics... growing veg, being in the mountains. Getting back to basics - to nature.

According to an article on Busika (share your knowledge!!) about Seeking Happiness, one way of figuring out what truly makes us happy is escaping material culture and 'going green'. According to this article, green - the colour of nature - represents balance and growth. It is a 'restful' colour for human eyes with great healing power. The article goes on to advise 'give yourself some time to decompress and make a good connection with Mother Nature'. Decompress?!! Oh maaan that's what it is! I'm SO compressed right now.

I guess this is particularly appealing to humanist psychologists, believing in the vague concept of a 'true nature' corrupted by consumerism, society, and technology.... The French-American microbiologist, experimental pathologist (??), environmentalist, humanist... Mr. Bloody Everything, Rene Dubos, took a slightly unconventional stance on the subject. The human desire to find an environment 'not subservient to the technological order' is not regressive or escapist in nature, but rather a progressive outlook. Achieving such a situation requires courage because we have to free ourselves from societal constraints in order to express our true nature. This impulse is, according to Rene, so widespread it will 'become a dominant social force in the future'.

Well I hope so, because it sounds considerably better than being 'compressed'. For now, I don't get much choice about being outside which only makes me crave my duvet. Which is of course testament to wanting what you can't have and admiring the green lush grass on the other side of that rotting ol’metaphysical fence. So tomorrow, in the fine silky drizzle of South Shields I'll remember this.

Day 31 Mind Control

I've been sucked into the world of New Age debate and it ain't pretty. Louise Hay has FANS. Lots of them. As does Sylvia Brown, and the book The Secret (which I read eons ago, clearly made a big impression). It's a whole world of anti-intellectual, anti-science debate neatly packaged and shipped out. Why is it so popular and why does it work for so many people? It cuts against the grain of the establishment and control is placed into the hands of the individual. It is your thoughts that dictate how happy you are, health, wealth, future... it's effectively saying external, corporeal reality is a manifestation of thoughts. Your thoughts create your reality.

Thinking waaay too much about thoughts.

THE (living) GOD of philosophy (there are many gods of philosophy but most of them are dead and buried. OR ARE THEY JEREMY BENTHAM??) AC Grayling engaged in an ongoing debate yesterday with neuroscientist Anders Sandberg about the ethics of erasing memories.

As science gets closer to figuring out the nature of Bad Thoughts, it gets closer to the ability to remove Bad Thoughts. Last year, studies suggested that beta-blockers, normally used for high blood pressure, interfered with memory 'reconsolidation'. Taking the pill can, effectively, numb the intensity of a memory. It's not confined to beta-blockers; there are numerous drugs that can influence how memories take hold. The majority of this research concerns post-traumatic stress, particularly amongst soldiers. If a new memory is consolidated at a time when stress hormones are hitting a peak, it creates an emotionally charged, strong recollection that, consequentially, creates a seriously strong influence over life going forward.

The AC God Grayling and Anders debate discussed the importance of something to help deal with post-traumatic stress, but outside of the extreme, what impact could this have on everyday life? YES this means YOU! Your head could be a genuine Garden of Eden!! I have a whole heap of memories from last year I could happily do without thanks, but given the choice, I'd keep them. Life is indeed, Forrest, like a box of chocolates. How will you ever know how to avoid the rank liqueur ones that explode in your mouth like an out of date sherry trifle, and appreciate the hazelnut swirl?

Brain manipulating drugs create a whole heap of ethical complications. CAN YOU imagine the conspiracy theories surrounding suppression of cognitive freedom?! Maah... this is stuff way ahead and beyond me. Grayling suggested that one day in the future, our 7 foot tall, blonde, extremely clever descendants would no doubt look back on such debates are primitive.

SO - I've just realised today was supposed to be about Buddhism. Ironically in light of this post, I forgot... However, faced with a 12 hour car journey into the Scottish Highlands, I am going to maybe try a bit of meditating, maybe a bit of escapism, and without a doubt a bit of sugary indulgence.

Day 30 The Scary One

OH the key to eternal happiness!! Forget religion! I don't need philosophy and money-grabbing fruit loops! All I need is a photo of Alan Cumming in a dapper blue suit flashing the peace sign. Oh Alan from which heavenly oyster shell of happiness did you crawl? This picture could keep me smiling for days.

I am, truth be told, going to go back on my word from Day 29. I'VE TRIED. Oh how I've tried. But, just as I'm clinging on to some false hope I can kick the Diet Coke habit, I can’t stop indulging in the lunatic fringe. It FEEDS my cynicism, is kindle to my sarcasm. WHICH, all in all, leads me onto someone very special:

Louise Hay

Grand Master of Pseudo-

Psychology. Dame of Daily

Affirmations. Baroness of Botox (clearly!! COME ON SHE’S 82 for chrissakes)

This is pure gold dust. FIRSTLY - as perhaps a small proviso - Louise Hay came from a truly horrendous background and through sheer bloody hard work and determination Made It. That is absolutely commendable. Likewise, a gazilliontrillion people own her INSANE range of products so she has a following - ergo, this works for some people. I however, ain't one of them. And trust me, once again, I've tried.

She's just got (putting it a tad mildly) a somewhat bizarre take on life. Louise believes that we are - physically, mentally, whatever - what we are because of how we think. So thoughts dictate all, essentially. The fundamental tenet to Loulou's preaching is that illness is caused by negative thoughts. And we're not just talking the odd sniffle.

An example list of 'true' causes for ailments, taken from "You Can Heal Your Life":

Bunions - a lack of joy in meeting the experiences in life

Sore Throat - holding in angry words. Feeling unable to express the self

Kidney Stones - lumps of undissolved anger

Cystic Fibrosis - too much self-pity

AIDS - feelings defenseless and hopeless. Denial of the true inner being, or sexual guilt.

This is pretty shocking stuff. Yes, there is scientific proof that positive people can have better health - the most recent research being a study into heart disease. Great. There is also the basic assumption that smiley happy people take better care of themselves, are less stressed, and have generally positive social relationships. BUT THIS IS CRAZY! I might be going out on a limb here, but rather than sweepingly and ignorantly declaring illness is a product of negative thinking, surely genetics, lifestyle, environment, fortune... so many many variables are involved. AND furthermore, despite this 'notion' diving head first into the sea of Utter Bullshit, surely this is such dangerous ground that people could repress negative thoughts out of fear?!

I completely accept that stress has a negative affect on the immune system. I am also fascinated by the link between the mind and the body. But Louise and her 'probable causes' are surely both malpractice and an insult to people suffering serious illness. Why couldn't she just stop at daily affirmations and self-esteem boosting techniques?! In comparison to Loulou, the Michael Antony's and Gretchen Ruben's of this industry are just wayward sheep who have lost touch with the mothership. Just a few screws short of a hardware shop. LOUISE HAY IS THE MOTHERSHIP. SHE'S THE COMPLETE SCREW-DEPLETED HARDWARE SHOP.

At the end of each outpouring of pseudo-psychological emotional tripe comes the disclaimer:

Note:
Louise Hay does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. In the event you use any of the information in this column for yourself, neither Louise Hay, contributors to this website, nor the publisher accepts responsibility for your actions.

Amazing. Classic. This is it. I've reached the pinnacle of lunacy and now actually can't take anymore. I'm cured of this guilty pleasure.

I will however, leave you with a particularly special daily affirmation:

I think of my thoughts as my best friends.

Yes. Friends who will STAB YOU IN THE BACK AND MAKE YOU ILL.

Tomorrow, a much needed diversion into the calming, reassuring world of Buddhism.

Day 29 Ministry of Insanity

So far, in my pursuit of All Things Happiness, I have dabbled my finger in the mire of politics, paddled around the edge of philosophy, religion, psychology, and nose-dived into the shallow puddle that is the Positivity Industry. The ‘Industry’, with all its books, websites, and courses is unrelenting, knows no bounds of sanity, and is more often than not just downright brainwashingly scary.

The latest technique to be a few peas short of a casserole, is something called Broadband Consciousness. This is the brainchild of the Ministry of Inspiration, set up by ‘superheroes’ Richard and Liz from – as far as I can tell – their house in Northamptonshire. I’ve tried in vain to find a nifty little summary of precisely what Broadband Consciousness is and I can’t. HOWEVER – whilst on this hunt, research covered a whole heap of website testimonials all suspiciously applying the same terminology. There seems to be something called the script – p’haps referring to how that naughty little ‘society today’ has dictated to us what and how we should think. This moulds you into the average person, getting average marks, leading an average life (I’m not making this up – it’s from here. Please don't read it for too long, I don't want to be held accountable). In reality guys, you’re not operating at your full potential. OH BLOODY NO. You are harbouring a SUPERHERO within!

So it’s basically a lifestyle-changing-switch-how-you-think type method. The website is almost an Ode to Youtube and I personally cannot face more than one or two video testimonials of people saying how much they spent on self-help books, how many failed courses they took and why THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT. The questionnaire provides a tad more insight – Broadband Consciousness is essentially about realizing potential, changing your personal life, improving career prospects, (the ubiquitous) making more money, and having more energy.

Question 8 for example, ‘Completeness: would you say you are ‘there’ or you are ‘nearly there’.

Should you desire a space on a Broadband Consciousness Open Day, you are promised full access to real life testimonials (full access because I assume they are mostly kept locked away), honest and heart felt inspiration, and totally unique, transformational and motivation (…what?? Transformational WHAT? SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THINGS SANE where is the detail??)

Not sure if it’s evident but I’m clearly not built, not ‘open’ with ‘full access’ to such courses and therefore as of tomorrow, with limited days left, will be avoiding all sites such as this. It’ll be hard, they’ve become a bit of a guilty pleasure… however, because I’m feeling generous today, I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from a Broadband Consciousness testimonial:

I can now say I have the picture of life’s puzzle on the lid of the box and I can and have started putting all the pieces together.

Oh and on the lines of LIST OBSESSION, this is coming close to a favourite:

7 Reasons Why...

	Preview How You Can Enjoy The Best Of Your Life
	See How This Gets Stronger With Time
	Meet Real Life Testimonials
	As Much Energy As You Can Handle
	Includes Free Lunch, Tea & Coffee
	Create The Life You Desire
	This Will Show You 'The How'

Yes, it’s about time you assessed your priorities and ranked ‘Free Lunch, Tea & Coffee’ above ‘Create The Life You Desire’.

I can't face any more of this today. SO, from Positive Thinking Day I am going to take point 8 (LIST LIST LIST LIST LIST)

8. Kindness - Be kind to yourself and those around you.

Day 28 Sunkissed Hues...

Perhaps an explanation for yesterday’s mental mess of a blog is that I’m trying (TRYING) to get myself off the sweet nectar, elixir of (my) life, that is Diet Coke. I lasted til 4pm, which is a good start (it’s actually bloody phenomenal but I want to play it down).

Anyhoo… Gretchen’s Lists Are Good approach worked. I’m hesitant to attribute it to Gretchen specifically, as far as I’m aware To Do lists are a relatively global phenomenon employed on Most Days by Most People. Whatever, it worked and I was relatively productive pre-DC, a veritable machine post-DC. MOVE ASIDE GRETCH – chemically enhanced, sweetened beverages need room here.

Today’s blog is all about: SELF ESTEEM.

PAR example: Kelly Osbourne. She of the lavender-hued hair and fine porcelain skin is, apparently, the new “self-esteem ambassador” for St. Tropez, the self-tan company (“ah ambassador! With these orange streaky legs you are simply spoiling us!”). St Tropez have teamed up with The Princes Trust in an effort to address the problem of low body self-esteem amongst young people, and the whole campaign is fronted by Kelly O.

Now, I wouldn’t dream of disregarding the importance of such an issue – in fact, it’s about time something happened. HOWEVER. It’s just a slightly bizarre trio and, to be honest, St Tropez stick out like a sore, sun burnt thumb. What kind of illogical thought process took place? Fake tan = confidence. Of course! Get a tan and you’ll look and feel better about your body?? A tan is an integral part of having body self-esteem? WELL crack open the Diet Coke and call me Donatella

To quote Kelly:

“Dancing With The Stars and having my first ever St. Tropez spray tan was a huge confidence booster for me - it helped me to get fit and allowed me to look and feel beautiful from the outside, in. More over it also helped me to see that I can achieve anything I put my mind to, which was a huge accomplishment for me - I've never really been able to finish something I've started, and to do so feels amazing."

Perhaps a superfluous comment, but I would like Kelly to specify precisely what happened during her spray tan that ‘helped’ her get fit. A more significant issue, surely, is the concept of feeling ‘beautiful from the outside, in’. Is that the right message for young people tackling low self-esteem?! I can’t help but feel that concealed within all of this is the general assumption that with a tan you look healthier and (hush now) slimmer.

It would seem that self-esteem is a component of happiness, but not an integral part. A study assessing levels of happiness and self-esteem in a sample of 621 retired people found that the two highly correlated. Despite this, the best predictors of happiness were mood and temperamental traits and social relationships. By contrast, self esteem levels were best predicted by motivational traits – optimism, lack of hopelessness. Science part over, whilst rummaging around the virtual world in hunt of a self-esteem/happiness connection I found another truly inspirational site: The Ministry of Inspiration.

With the motto ‘We’re all superheroes pretending to be ordinary’, MoI advocate a ‘technique’ called Broadband Consciousness. Claiming it will help boost self-esteem and confidence, BC is… I’m not really sure. It sounds like brainwashing to be honest. I’m lining it up for tomorrow’s blog, but for now a quote from Richard (UK minister for MoI): 'Happiness and unhappiness are merely the high and low tides on the edge of a great sea called contentment’

I’ll mull this one over whilst enduring the strenuous work-out of a tan.

Day 27 The Happiness Project

Stumbling around the online world of Happiness, I came across the name Gretchen Rubin.

Gretchen started The Happiness Project - a much more organized approach to what is essentially the aim of this blog. She spent a year testing out various Happiness Hypotheses, cherry-picking from philosophy, science, and self-help books.

If at all comparable to my attempt, Gretch is resoundingly more professional, disciplined, and distinctly less cynical. In respect of certain elements I wouldn't say we stand poles apart, BUT Gretch is American (SO loaded a comparison and one I fully intend to take the liberty of making and... ignore), grad of Yale Law School, professionally successful, married to a hedge fund manager, and has kids. Her motivation for The Happiness Project was an 'epiphany on the cross-town bus'. She asked herself ‘what do I want from life, anyway?’ and concluded 'I want to be happy'. So, happily, Gretchen spent a year being happy, wrote a book, got to number one in the bestsellers, and now is, I would bloody hope, happy.

The theory and intention behind The Happiness Project is of course goodhearted. HOWEVER what grates at me is similar to my concerns surrounding the pseudo-psychological self-help crap. Whilst the self-help nonsense could potentially be taking advantage (particularly fiscally) of people in a vulnerable position, Gretchen seems to come from a Good Place. Her default setting isn't one of sadness - so she starts from apparent fine-ness (mental, physical, financial stability) and builds up. Which is great, but does lead to a rather superficial outlook on the purpose and reasoning behind positive thinking.

It reeks slightly of a yoga-pant-clad-latte-swigging life that can be improved by Clearing Out Ones Walk-In Wardrobes or Resolving Not To Shout At Ones Incredibly Wealthy Husband. Ha! Sorry. It's just all a bit egocentric, as if Gretchen is 'playing' at trying to be happy. BUT ultimately why should it matter? The whole happiness industry is egocentric and superficial. Anyone getting out there and enthusiastically spreading a Good Message shouldn't be shot down because of where they're coming from... as I've said throughout, if it works for someone then that's A Good Thing. Perhaps it's because the best advice I've received is from those who have Been There, had a few hard-knocks and know how to deal with it. But then that's assuming the whole happiness industry is designed exclusively for those coming from a bad place. Perhaps I am completely incapable of making a coherent point today?!

I can also, as a little side note, recognise the blinding irony that all my criticisms of self-help drivel does in fact constitute my own self-help drivel. WHICH does, in light of the above babble, stand this entire mission for lent in an egocentric light BUT surely, in the same vein, giving up chocolate or alcohol or the more conventional choices for lent work to the same means? Additionally, if lent is to abstain from indulgence, I am therefore asserting that negative thinking is an indulgence, which it isn't (or is it?). WHICH ALL IN ALL JUST ENDS IN BRAIN ACHE.

RIGHT. In the absence of a walk-in wardrobe, hubby, kids, or indeed latte (woe is me!!) I'm going to follow point 5 from Gretchen's Six Tips for Tackling a Dreaded Task.

5. Commit. We’ve all heard the advice to write down your goals. This really works, so force yourself to do it. Usually this advice relates to long-term goals, but it works with short-term goals, too. On the top of a piece of paper, write, “By the end of today, I will have _____.” This also gives you the thrill of crossing a task off your list.

Err, so essentially just write a to-do list.

In other news, tomo I am going to discuss why the self-tanning lotion behemoth, St. Tropez have picked alabaster skinned Kelly Osbourne to be their Self Esteem Spokeswoman. I mean, OBVIOUSLY I associate tanning, the Osbourne family, and self-esteem. And if that isn't superficial enough for you I don't know what is.

Day 26 Pots of Gold

My absence has, once again, not been due to a lack of positive thinking - simply having to rely on a 'dongle' that 'restricts access to user-generated sites'. So I hold T Mobile entirely responsible for restricting my zen like flow of positivity.

Of course, I have been able to access just about EVERY OTHER USER-GENERATED SITE and in doing so found Michael Anthony. Who I keep thinking of as Mark Anthony. Which makes me wonder what Mark would say about How To Be Happy. Probably something along the lines of 'do your best not to piss off every powerful man in the Roman Empire and, on recognising your current sticky predicament, try not to believe those who are SURELY going to tell you little porky pies about your lover Cleopatra having supposedly killed herself, and decide to kill yourself. And then learn she's still alive'. OR even Mark Antony, current hubby of Latino diva J Lo. Who would probably just recommend keeping schtum as the key to peaceful life.

ANYHOO... today is all about Michael Anthony. Michael Anthony is a veritable silver haired fox of a man, who has, as far as I can tell, dedicated most of his life to Making Golfers Happy. He wrote, to quote the fox himself, 'an empowering book The Mental Keys to Improve Your Golf that has literally helped thousands of golfers to improve their mental games and lower their scores. FYI - in golf the lowest score wins :-)'

FYI Michael, thanks for that. Quote is taken from the About section of his How To Be Happy website, which is an intriguing page not least for his dashing 'come on in! the water's lovely!' smile and sunkissed Californian tan, but a slight obsession with wanting you to know his FREE e-book How To Be Happy And Have Fun Changing The World book is his gift to mankind.

'I'm giving it away for free as a gift to mankind'

Mankind thanks you Michael

'I wrote a book that will benefit all mankind'

Yes, and thank you.

Oh - and the 'PS' at the end - Michael wants you to know that he personally spends money EVERYDAY on Google AdWords to spread the Happy Book word and hopes to invest more. BUT should you wish to, you could make a donation by clicking the useful link direct to Michael's bank account. 'Thanks for helping out :-)' Ahh - and if you are at all fretting about how much is appropriate, he casually throws in the suggestion of $10.00. Don't forget guys, this book is FREE but in order to Spread The Word and help Make Our World A Better Place, MONEY ALWAYS HELPS. He doesn't say the last bit. That was my input. Sorry Mike. ;-)

As ever I am drifting from the Good Meaning of all this. Reading his Happy Book he answers the question 'why would I want to give away something so valuable for free when it took me many years of my life searching to obtain it?' Why? SHARING guys. He believes in the 'insights contained in the book' and if they work for him they will work for you... oh but the choice is yours to put the insights to work for you... That's kind of like a disclaimer isn't it?! I've read this so many times on positivity websites and in books, it's simply saying: look guys, here's the answer to eternal happiness BUT ONLY if you work at making it work. I can get you SO FAR, and then it's down to you. And therefore, any failures ain't my fault. It also further perpetuates the assumption that happiness is something you 'search to obtain'...

You should also know this book isn’t for 'weaklings, brooders and pouters' (pouters?!). Oh no. 'It is for individuals who want to be great and fly with the eagles'. Towards the end of the book, Michael actively appeals to all to spread the word of his book and 'insights'. Should you wish, you could email or post a copy to 'all of your elected representatives and the judges who interpret the law'. Oh and while you're at it, Michael suggests you 'email Oprah and ask her to put me on her show'.

Mike also recommends using the daily affirmation: 'I am always truthful, positive, and helping others'. Daily affirmations are a popular part of the Positivity Industry. I found this one on an About.com website - it’s the affirmation for March and inspired by Leprechauns.

Good luck follows me wherever I go. Today and everyday I visualize rainbows in the skies and a pot full of golden opportunities. I am truly blessed!

Amazing. I’m not sure what mind-altering drugs are involved here, but I’ll give it a go

:-)