Day 30 The Scary One

OH the key to eternal happiness!! Forget religion! I don't need philosophy and money-grabbing fruit loops! All I need is a photo of Alan Cumming in a dapper blue suit flashing the peace sign. Oh Alan from which heavenly oyster shell of happiness did you crawl? This picture could keep me smiling for days.

I am, truth be told, going to go back on my word from Day 29. I'VE TRIED. Oh how I've tried. But, just as I'm clinging on to some false hope I can kick the Diet Coke habit, I can’t stop indulging in the lunatic fringe. It FEEDS my cynicism, is kindle to my sarcasm. WHICH, all in all, leads me onto someone very special:

Louise Hay

Grand Master of Pseudo-

Psychology. Dame of Daily

Affirmations. Baroness of Botox (clearly!! COME ON SHE’S 82 for chrissakes)

This is pure gold dust. FIRSTLY - as perhaps a small proviso - Louise Hay came from a truly horrendous background and through sheer bloody hard work and determination Made It. That is absolutely commendable. Likewise, a gazilliontrillion people own her INSANE range of products so she has a following - ergo, this works for some people. I however, ain't one of them. And trust me, once again, I've tried.

She's just got (putting it a tad mildly) a somewhat bizarre take on life. Louise believes that we are - physically, mentally, whatever - what we are because of how we think. So thoughts dictate all, essentially. The fundamental tenet to Loulou's preaching is that illness is caused by negative thoughts. And we're not just talking the odd sniffle.

An example list of 'true' causes for ailments, taken from "You Can Heal Your Life":

Bunions - a lack of joy in meeting the experiences in life

Sore Throat - holding in angry words. Feeling unable to express the self

Kidney Stones - lumps of undissolved anger

Cystic Fibrosis - too much self-pity

AIDS - feelings defenseless and hopeless. Denial of the true inner being, or sexual guilt.

This is pretty shocking stuff. Yes, there is scientific proof that positive people can have better health - the most recent research being a study into heart disease. Great. There is also the basic assumption that smiley happy people take better care of themselves, are less stressed, and have generally positive social relationships. BUT THIS IS CRAZY! I might be going out on a limb here, but rather than sweepingly and ignorantly declaring illness is a product of negative thinking, surely genetics, lifestyle, environment, fortune... so many many variables are involved. AND furthermore, despite this 'notion' diving head first into the sea of Utter Bullshit, surely this is such dangerous ground that people could repress negative thoughts out of fear?!

I completely accept that stress has a negative affect on the immune system. I am also fascinated by the link between the mind and the body. But Louise and her 'probable causes' are surely both malpractice and an insult to people suffering serious illness. Why couldn't she just stop at daily affirmations and self-esteem boosting techniques?! In comparison to Loulou, the Michael Antony's and Gretchen Ruben's of this industry are just wayward sheep who have lost touch with the mothership. Just a few screws short of a hardware shop. LOUISE HAY IS THE MOTHERSHIP. SHE'S THE COMPLETE SCREW-DEPLETED HARDWARE SHOP.

At the end of each outpouring of pseudo-psychological emotional tripe comes the disclaimer:

Note:
Louise Hay does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. In the event you use any of the information in this column for yourself, neither Louise Hay, contributors to this website, nor the publisher accepts responsibility for your actions.

Amazing. Classic. This is it. I've reached the pinnacle of lunacy and now actually can't take anymore. I'm cured of this guilty pleasure.

I will however, leave you with a particularly special daily affirmation:

I think of my thoughts as my best friends.

Yes. Friends who will STAB YOU IN THE BACK AND MAKE YOU ILL.

Tomorrow, a much needed diversion into the calming, reassuring world of Buddhism.